i've neglected this blog.

death has been around.

• my uncle died 10/9
• my mom's cousin died 10/15

my mom's away at her cousin's funeral right now.  on monday and tuesday i attended my uncle's wake and funeral...it was alright, but strange. he did not look like my uncle...although he was only in his forties, he looked about seventy, caked in makeup in the casket.  i suppose i didn't see him much when he was sick, so it was a little shocking.  he was ready to go, though, finished with the pain.  all 4 funerals that i've been to have been in the same funeral home, by now the employees are recognizable faces. i guess it's just been a tough time for my dad's side of the family.  i'm always amused by my uncle donny, the preacher.  he wears a robin egg blue suit and speaks loudly through mangled teeth, reading from a seemingly antediluvian bible. There was a lot of stress on Ecclesiastes and also the fact that my uncle was a "GENEALOGY GENIUS!!!"

we should not fear death.  death is neutral, complete nothingness, static.  what we should fear is not living well.  but that's obvious.

today was leagues for cross country, so i missed another full day of school.  the course is wonderful, except for a grueling slight incline in the beginning of the third mile around a corn field.  i got my personal record - 21:25, with a strong kick at the end; i must have passed three to six girls. i'm really unsure because i was hardly conscious, just flying.

i'm a vegetarian now, too.  i'm covered in walnut crumbs as i type. how refreshing!!

day off of school - picked out pumpkins, rode bikes, ate farm produce, played instruments, had conversations, worked on homework.

the wheels of life are turning and my uncle is dying with the leaves.

So there's a word for what I have been so susceptible to: limerence. But that's more of a smallish dark cloud in my mind, no longer is it an encompassing black fog penetrating my entire body. And I'm realizing - "I will never be your friend. Ever." How could I? I care too much.

On Friday Michelle flaked out on me, but I've learned to shrug my shoulders at that sort of thing, which seems to be quite a trend among my peers. We got to hang out last night instead, babysat some devils, and practiced a sloppy, overly cute version of Indian Summer by Beat Happening with our voices and guitars. I left her house with a big, goofy smile. I also went out to see Encounters at the End of the World with Justin on Friday - it was an excellent, excellent Herzog documentary about Antarctica, with philosophical ideas about the insignificance of humankind shown through nature, science, and human tendencies. At the same time it was uplifting and inspirational...sort of like standing next to the ocean and feeling very small, but not caring because you are so in awe by the power of the overwhelming sea. Justin's been a good big brother figure for me lately. He also gave me lots of vitamin C. I'm glad we're sticking together, because oftentimes i realize that in many ways we are in the same boat. Otherwise, I had a tough cross country practice, worked until my head was pounding and my legs were aching, won a soccer game. I have too much homework. Euro test tomorrow and a bunch of english assignments due.

Even though it is my favorite season, Fall is so lonely, too lonely, and forces nostalgia upon me. Goodbye, green.

"What did you talk about? Snacks, life, and the afterworld?" -Bri, as i misheard her

i am ill.

i couldn't sleep last night and i probably won't be able to tonight, either, even though i want to sleep for 100 hours.  when i'm sick i get this terrible sort of conscious 'nightmare' - i'm awake, but my brain gets trapped in some sort of unrealistic looping mindset.  i can't think of any other way to describe it, but it's terribly frustrating: i'm aware that it's happening but i can't fix my mind on normal thought.  last night i put sigur ros on for the first time in a long while and tried my best to concentrate on the music so that i could fall asleep. i think it helped a little.

21:59 in the race; it was definitely a slow course, i felt as though i got around 21:30.  wet & muddy.  the team lost by 5 points (& the guys lost by 1 point), but we were expecting to lose more severely.  coooooool, losing, yeaaaaaah.

i'm getting behind in my ap eng lang homework, but i finally took my roll of film and an annoying online math quiz.  math is meant for paper, not computers.

lo-fi spectacular musical ensemble commences friday - can't wait.  gotta get a new battery for my big muff. gotta get un-sick.