jesse told me that he took this picture for me, or felt that it displayed how i see the world...it's so very precious of him.  he said that it could be one of two things: 

1. i am the mushroom and i feel like nobody is really seeing me but everything else is clear
   
2. i can not see the present but i am looking ahead to the future

we had day off school for rosh hashana, which provided a much-needed break.  a little while ago, my euro teacher remarked that he should start "happy tree nymph day" where everyone holds hands and dances around a tree...and the school would have to acknowledge the holiday or else they would be insulting his religion.

justin and i wandered around in boredom last night, looking at scarecrows, walking around town, and eating pancakes and watching tv at this kid's house until my head hurt too much and i needed sleep. today justin, michelle, andrea & i ventured to the king of prussia mall.  luckily it was fairly empty since it was monday morningish.  malls are easily overwhelming. i remember one day when i lived in florida i ended up walking around the mall by myself, crying.  pathetic, yes, but i was just so uncomfortable.  andrea bought half a pound of tea for $30, because she is weak.  but it smelled like cinammony gingerbread sugar heaven, so maybe it was worth it.  my mom bought me some mustard colored tights and i bought a pair of black leggings in preparation for the colder months. we were a little rushed because i needed to get home for practice.  afterwards our team had a pasta party - jenny and i brought our guitars and wrote a song about racing. heehee.

i'm alright, i'm okay, things are fine!! yeah!

I looked out the window at the grey sky today and imagined a society in the future in which the sky is always grey, due to pollution or fog or something of the like.  Then I had a beautiful thought - perhaps people would begin to paint their ceilings blue in remembrance of the vibrant color of the sky on a clear day.  And perhaps, eventually, everyone would have blue ceilings. Every ceiling would be blue.  After a while, children would not know why all ceilings are blue.  Nobody would remember what the sky's color was originally, but at the same time it would be there constantly, right above their heads.

CATCHING UP:

The week has flown by.

Don't feel obligated to read this, but keep in mind that it's fairly difficult to look at a word without reading it if you know how to read. Just try.

For starters:

MY BLOODY VALENTINE, 9/22/08, Roseland Ballroom

Michelle had a lot of trouble getting excited for the MBV show simply because the idea of seeing them live was surreal; we were unable to picture it.  Joe said that it was strange because we had no idea what to expect, even for the little things that seem to be a given for other bands...would they play an encore? etc.  Once we entered the venue, the reality hit us: we were going to see My Bloody Valentine live! Kevin Shields would be on this stage! (Roseland Ballroom is very cool, by the way, old, about three times the size of the Trocadero, with a tall ceiling and open atmosphere.)  We also got a hint by the signs that said "My Bloody Valentine suggest wearing earplugs" and the packets and packets of earplugs laying around for people to take.  (Of course I didn't wear them! How could I? I needed 100% purity.)  

The worst part of the show was waiting and waiting...waiting for the first band to go on, waiting for them to end, waiting for the second band to go on, YEARNING for them to end, and finally waiting for the main attraction. It was all so draining.  J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr. came on to jam with the Wounded Knees, which seems like a cool concept, but I'm not into dragged out psychadelic jammmmz, and really was not too fond of the Wounded Knees and their sloppy flutist.  Le Volume Corbe was fairly adorable, so that was alright.

But blah blah blah blah - MY BLOODY VALENTINE!!  Their setup included a solid WALL of large, stacked amplifiers, along with standard string of amps on the sides of the stage.  When they walked onstage, the crowd exploded.  When the sound started, my heart exploded.  The sound was so enveloping, so full and dimensional. I felt a bit like a sponge, the underwater kind, porifera, with the music swirling around me, pushing into me, pushing out of me; I was the music, the music was me.  It was difficult to manage, and actually ended up being physically taxing.  When I walked out of the venue, my head was a mess, my ears were ringing, and I was stumbling around.  What a rebirth!  I can only imagine I looked like a foal standing on its legs for the first time.  My hearing was definitely temporarily impaired. Even at school the next morning, everyone sounded slightly quieter than usual.  Enough about me.  Michelle was right when she remarked that Kevin Shields is a genius in the truest sense, not just "duuude he's so good at music, what a musical genius."  The band was, for the most part, so stoic and still, a harsh contrast to the blasting music.  Debbie stood on the stage like an angel. The only part of her that moved was her eyes. They were large and seemed to flutter around the room.  I was fairly pleased with the setlist, although the vocals, which are usually more prominent on Isn't Anything and some of the EPs sort of faded into the music, a la loveless.  I was afraid it would be exceedingly loveless heavy, but it wasn't too bad.  I would have replaced a couple of songs if I were making up the setlist, but I can't complain.  According to my poor mother who had to drive us and sat in the back, You Made Me Realise was quite the 'test of endurance'...they played a block of 20 minute deafening noise, which I've seen referred to online as 'the holocaust chord.'  I'm sure many people in the audience were pretty ticked, confused, and annoyed, but I loved it.  There's no way I could compare this show to any other show I've seen...except that it was easily three times louder than anything else.

Here's the setlist that I jacked from Michelle:

I Only Said

When You Sleep

You Never Should

When you Wake

Cigarette In Your Bed

Come In Alone

Only Shallow

Thorn

Nothing Much to Lose

To Here Knows When

Blown a Wish

Slow

Soon

Feed Me With Your Kiss

Sue is Fine

You Made Me Realise

wow.

Tuesday and Wednesday slipped through my fingers. I did a lot of school work.  The boy I loved finally got on his plane, which helps a little.  I do wish he would have dropped by to say goodbye, like I asked.  But I'm not that upset, nor should I be, as  I'm the one who should have broken a heart, not the one who should have had their heart broken.  It's possible that I am making progress.  Anyway, I ran 21:37 at the race on Wednesday, my personal record, but at the time I felt terribly about my performance because I was fatigued and in a negative mindset for the last mile or so.  I think I will easily break 21 minutes soon, hopefully before leagues.

On Thursday, I was invited to the Dodge Poetry Festival with the AP Lit kids, since I'm a bookworm and the 12th grade English teacher knows it.  I saw Sharon Olds, Chris Abani, Robin Robertson, Naomi Shihab Nye (for the second time in my life), and Patricia Smith (no, not Patti Smith).  It took place in an old village in central Jersey which was refreshing and natural...and oh so poetic.  Not to mention it was an excellent people-watching festival, too, mainly artsy-looking high school students but also many adults and ex-hippies.

I was most charmed by Robin Robertson, but partially due to his overwhelming Scottish-ness and 'appeals to the youth' - (talking about how he was born in Aberdeen, but not the Aberdeen where Kurt Cobain was born, and also boasting that he edited Trainspotting).  I think I may buy one of his books on Amazon. One thing that is sticking out in my mind right now was that he mentioned how much he loved sneaking over the Canadian border into America during his education to watch hockey games, one of the reasons being that he was astounded that it was one man's duty just to clean the blood off of the ice.

Patricia Smith was the greatest performer of the poets I saw.  She was a black woman who was clear, loud, funny, and personable, definitely a poet to be heard rather than read (an opinion she would most likely agree with).  

I didn't stay for all of Sharon Olds' set, but she was also humorous and genuine, and her poems were beautiful.

Chris Abani was another funny one - it's funny how funny poets are - "there are two types of nerds, skinny, geeky nerds and fat nerds. I was a fat nerd.' He had interesting stories to tell, seeing as he had been imprisoned in his home country of Nigeria for being a political dissident.

Naomi Shihab Nye? HAHAHA.  hahaha. She was cute, but I can't take her seriously with my middle school bias against her.

As for Friday, Justin visited me for a while and afterwards I ended up hanging out with some 'theater kids', people I don't usually see outside of school. They had me in giggles all night. It was a nice change.  Ah, I forgot to mention my parents disappeared and my grandparents took their place this weekend, yay!  Saturday was grey. There was an invitational but the varsity teams didn't race, instead we ran 10 minutes from a park to the high school, did six 1000s at threshold pace, three 300s which were threshold pace to a stride to a sprint, then ran back to the park. It was tough, I would rather have raced.  Now it's saturday night and teenagers are fickle so all of my hopeful plans have fallen through, and I'm too lazy to do anything productive. At least Boredom City, USA is much preferred to Stress City or Depression City...

weekend summary

friday: worked 5-9

saturday: ran 21:54 at the invitational & was the 4th runner of our team on a course with some daunting hills ("suicide hill" & others).  i was only 6 seconds from my PR, which i think i will be able to beat on wednesday.

disappointingly, a few plans fell through but i did eventually hang out with some people, it was a little strange but overall okay

sunday: totally scraped up my knees and hand on rocks on a downhill(ish) in the woods...bruises, swelling, blood, pus, dirt - but at least it was very cold and i barely felt it until i looked down at my leg and saw the horror.  appropriately, the opener for my bloody valentine tomorrow night is called 'the wounded knees.' ( i know nothing about them, but this parallelism must mean something!)

it wasn't too bad playing soccer with my wounds.  we dominated, winning 6-0.

now - homework.

(also, michelle and i are starting a t-shirt company. details later. $$$)

GOOD:

WEIRD: 

i put unnatural things in my belly

I AM HUMBLED. ap english language demands a repulsive amount of work, and I expect to be click-clacking away at this keyboard for hours. ms word doesn't even know the word 'syncrisis.'  things are getting out of hand; I have gotten only 5 hours of sleep the past two nights (pathos- pity me!).  and thus, i neglect ap euro. i neglect my health.  i neglect happiness. (that is an example of anaphora, btw, ftw)

i ran 22:15 in the race today. i had hoped to break 22, but i'm content. our course is slow.  this is my best time this year, by a few seconds.  i think i will be able to PR soon (break 21:48).  if all goes well, by leagues and districts i should be close to 21 minutes.

i wish i were at the church seeing why? and mt. eerie tonight, or even mogwai on friday.  if only i weren't shackled to the scholarly and athletic life......

my bloody valentine on monday my bloody valentine on monday my bloody valentine on monday - NOTHING ELSE MATTERS -

DATA

9/14/08

approx. 7.5 miles ran

approx. 7 hours slept

sullen sunday exhaustion

it was terribly hot out - summer's final stand?

good riddance. fall is my favorite season.

ran in the woods and corn fields again in the early morning, had a soccer game at noon, didn't clean my room or study but spent a lot of time on my poster

i've been thinking, but my head is kind of fuzzy. no ripe conclusions have been made.

DATA

9/10, 9/11, 9/12, 9/13

approx. 20 miles ran??

approx. no where near enough sleep. >6 hours per night and one evening the fire alarm went off far too long in my house for reasons unknown

1. I'm just pretty sure time doesn't change a thing - it just has the potential to add more variables.

2. I've seen a few movies in the past week or two, including Welcome to the Dollhouse, The Virgin Suicides, and Burn After Reading, none of which blew me away...but each certainly had a number of merits.

3. i wrote a cutesy, simple, sad song today. it's called roadrunner. are you surprised?

i'm publicly humiliating myself: Mary Jane - Roadrunner.mp3

4. to do: take a roll of film, study euro, do an assignment defining chiasmus ("Which is it, is man one of God's blunders, or God one of man's blunders?" -Nietzsche),  clean my room

DATA

9/10/08

approx. 6 hours slept

approx. 5 miles ran

DATA

9/8/08

approx. 6 hours slept

approx. 6 miles ran

DATA

9/6/08

approx. 8 hours slept

approx. 4.5 miles ran

approx. 6 hours worked (later today)

23:11 in the race today, i'm disappointed. it was dreadfully humid as we await the arrival of tropical storm hanna.  i wish hanna the girl was visiting, not hanna the storm.

i am a slave

a slave to homework and running and tyrannical candy hawkers and missing you

DATA

9/5/08

approx. 6 hours slept

approx. 3.5 miles ran

approx. 5 hours sitting on babies

exhaustion.

however, today was slightly less horrific than the first two days of school.  i'm not QUITE as socially overwhelmed.  i also like learning...(dweeb)

i didn't go to the cross country pasta party or the football game (the thought of which makes me mad nostalgic about last fall), but babysat two bright, hyper kids and made a little wad of cash (i think i'm going to pick up some cds & vinyl soon).  i have a cross country meet at home tomorrow in the storm...i'll be the 6th runner on varsity. yikes.

apparently my mp3s aren't working, and they're the most charming part of this lame blog, in my opinion. sorry, invisible audience.

DATA

9/4/08

approx. 6 hours slept

approx. 5.5 miles ran

i'm not good, i'm not good, i'm not good

uncomfortable

pathetic

it would be really punk rock if i went to your house, punched you in the face, then drove away before you could say a thing...even though i don't have my license.

The Smiths: I Know It's Over (live).m4a

(this bootleg will frighten you. you'll know when it happens.)

DATA

9/3/08

approx. 6 hours slept

approx. 5 miles ran

approx. 7 hours at school.......

match the advice to the speaker:

a) consider zoloft                                                   i) AP Euro teacher

b) think of school as a long run: just take        ii) Drum teacher

a breath and zone out, then when you're         iii) Ashley

done you can be proud

c) smash things   

(ANSWERS: a-ii, b-iii, c-i, and okay, maybe "smash things" wasn't directed specifically towards me...my ap euro teacher was just advising everyone to shoot trees or cans or the occasional squirrel...and to smash things, like vegetables or printers. because it feels good.)

ashley wanted to know why i looked to miserable in the hallway of school. i believe the latter part of that sentence speaks for itself.  it's going to be tough.  i'm just keeping my head down and doing my work, i guess.

as for teachers, my photo teacher is drab and ordinary, but i'm going to try not to let the class restrict me.  my ap euro teacher is hilarious, a prideful southerner ("you yankees burned all of our tobacco and forced us to smoke weed! you took all of our pretty girls so we had to have sex with our ugly cousins!")...he thought my name (mary jane) was very southern, and was convinced that my parents got it on to gone with the wind, then decided to name me mary jane. the fact that he curses loosely for humor was definitely appealing to a class full of sixteen year olds. i don't have much to say about my ap english language teacher.  she's fairly strict and lame, but i will probably improve my writing significantly.  i also have a new math teacher who just graduated from lehigh and is sort of a bro, slightly attractive. hahaha. i'm definitely amused.  he's so eager.

new school policy that makes it a nuisance to go to the bathroom, so i'm probably going to piss myself sometime, especially since i drink so much water to stay hydrated for cross country. one day i must have peed 20 times, no exaggeration.

in conclusion, i suppose i am being pessimistic...apathetic at best.  it won't be good, but it will be okay.

The Magnetic Fields: I Don't Want To Get Over You.m4a

"but i don't want to get over you..."

DATA

9/2/08

approx. 6 miles ran

approx. 7.5 hours slept

approx. 6 hours worked

my dad bought me new trainers...

it was time.

went psychocandy at work, it was terribly slow and i ended up doing the most tedious job; cleaning the grody case candy trays, then putting allllllll of the chocolates into their newly cleaned homes.  too much washing and drying, my hands felt soggy.  i will never be a dish washer.

played scrabble at the diner with herbie as my final summer activity...justin and michelle came along half way through.  michelle was being giggly and goofy and it made me feel good. plus, i won!

in other news, i'm on a mission to destroy cupid.  i can't handle "love," and i certainly can't handle what it leaves in its trail.  slow progress.

school tomorrow

ouch.

the premiere of the second season of gossip girl aired tonight.  in an experiment in understanding my peers (every other teenage girl in america), i turned it on, expecting...god, i don't know what i was expecting.  bitches bitching & betraying and gettin' some nut?  any sort of mindless excitement? however, to my dismay, gossip girl did not even meet up with my excruciatingly low expectations.  besides being completely unintelligent (which i was  prepared for), it was just boring.  the conflict wasn't even engaging!!  i don't care about shallow, croquet playing pretty boys and insipid plotlines!! oh, and the overt advertisement of vitamin water! i couldn't stand to watch more than the first half hour before i lost all hope.

so there. i gave it a chance, but my attempts at cultural normalcy have been crushed...again.

DATA 

9/1/08

approx. 8 hours slept

approx. 6 miles ran

also played in the park with alex today; we don't want to have friends

and dear world: will you take it easy on the palin rumors? whatEVER.